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*alli chaos*

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More time has passed [06 Mar 2013|02:12am]
And it's even more rare that I think about missing him

He crosses my mind every so often but it's just a quick fleeting thought before I'm back to thinking about other things. It's never a full blown, "I wonder what/how/who he's doing. I wonder if he misses me."

I figured enough time had passed that I could check his twitter. I debated and held my breath as it loaded. I was starting to hope it was private so I couldn't see anything when...

It really was private.

Good, I thought. I don't need to know. I don't want to know anything.

I felt the tiniest bit of sadness at another realisation that he and I are gone from each other's lives for good, like a pin prick.

I don't even really get lonely? To be honest, I'm probably getting too used to being alone. I do want friends but I don't take comfort in Angela and Jessica the way I should. I'm way past the stage of wanting Jarrod around. I'm even past the stage of wanting him for the sake of conversation. Sometimes I do wish for another person to talk with about YouTube and bracelets and Taylor because I feel bad bubbling over with mom but I don't picture him like I used to. I just imagine some other unknown person listening to me ramble.

Every so often I wonder what would happen if he tried to contact me, just to prepare myself in the even he does. If he calls, would I ignore it? Would I answer with something snarky? Would I answer and just tell him why he's even bothering. I have a million scenarios. None of them end with us being friends again.

I feel lighter though. I feel happier. I was never a bright ray of sunshine but I feel better, like a weight has been lifted from me.

I came to lj because I wanted to see my little countdown. I stopped with the X's on the calendar so I only ever have a vague idea of how long it's been since I last spoke to him. My countdown here said it's been two months, two weeks and a day.

This is, once again, the longest I've ever gone without talking to him. Definitely the longest I've gone without wanting to talk to him.

Part of me wants him to crack and call. Part of me thinks it's bugging him that I'm not obsessively calling and texting like Victoria was. I only did it for a night and haven't since. Sometimes I think about unblocking his phone number. I hadn't because I didn't want to tempt myself. I don't see the point in it now.

I still kinda want to leave him a fish a la Margo Roth Spiegelman though... ;P
stand still with me

You used to hang on my every word.. Now they never come out right [21 Jun 2011|12:42pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Sometimes it's just too much. "Go to school. Get good grades. Eat more; you're too skinny." did I mention that was from my boyfriend? The person who's supposed to love me unconditionally? Every time he says something like that.. I can't help but think, "Isn't there anything about me that you like? Isn't there something you wouldn't change about me?"

And fine, he wants "what's best" for me and wants me to be the best Alli I can be but.. Maybe I don't want to. Perfect is unattainable. It took a long time to be even moderately happy with myself and I thought being in a long term relationship would solidify that. But he keeps fucking it up. I feel terrible about myself. I feel stupid and ugly and like I'm not going anywhere with my life. So consequently, I feel like he's going to leave me any day. I feel like his nursing buddies are more suited to be his girlfriend than I am. They're pretty, healthy weight, and care about school. That's what he wants, isn't it?

And he keeps asking what's wrong but when I tell him I feel like all he's thinking is, "What a psycho bitch. She doesn't trust me!" so if he wasn't debating leaving me before, he is now.

I just think I need help.. I keep thinking I've bounced back from my depression.. It just goes away for a while. I'm so tired of feeling like this...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

stand still with me

The Life That I Have [03 Aug 2010|01:52am]
The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours
And yours


Good bye, mrsnoname...

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